Prof. F.J Lewis
History Today
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Live at The Edinburgh Playhouse, 1992
DB: Good evening and welcome to History Today. Now, as those of you who have been watching our broadcasts may be aware, there are those who feel that myself and Professor F.J Lewis have in some sense failed to cover the historical topics of our brief. I can only apologise and pledge that tonight's topic, German Domestic Policy, shall be treated with a fine intellectual rigour. So Professor Lewis, I wonder what you feel the nexus of cause and effect to be here.
RN: See that Geoff Gapes?
DB: Yes, I am aware of the athlete.

That's your mum, that is. That's your mum trying her best to look extra feminine.

DB: I see. See Niddrie?
RN: I am aware of the settlement.

That's your football team, that is. That's who you support {call out} C'mon you Niddrie!
That's you, that is.

RN: Oh, ah ha ha ha. You see an old roller skate that's been left in the rain and is covered in rust and has got some dog plop on it?
DB: Yes, I have seen such an item.
RN: That's your car, that is. That's your car on a Saturday afternoon after you've spent the whole day polishing it up.
DB: You see a shrivelled mushroom? A small, shrivelled mushroom such as you might find in the back of the fridge?
RN: Yes.
DB: That's your willy, that is. That's your big stiffy. C'mon girls, get your laughing gear 'round this. That's what you say.
RN: See your mum?
DB: My Mother? Yes.
RN: She does it for money.
DB: Your mum does it for free.
RN: Your mum does it with you, for money. She gives you your pocket money and you give it right back. You're going to cry.
DB: No, you're going to cry.
RN: No, you want to cry really badly.
DB: Waahhh, that's you, that is.
But Professor Lewis, if we could return to the topic at hand. Professor A.J.P Taylor..
RN: Your boyfriend you mean.
DB: In his book Origins of The Crimean War he says..
RN: He says to you oh nmm {makes kissing noises}
DB: See that John Inman?
RN: I am aware of his work.
DB: You've lost a fight to him. He beats you up every day. But if we could return to the topic at hand of German domestic policy, er, Professor F.J Lewis.
RN: Yes, people forget that as late as the 19th century..
DB: Yes?
RN: The German domestic navy was still essentially a sail powered fleet.
DB: Sail powered, Professor?
RN: Essentially.
DB: Yes?
RN: And up until the time of Bismarck.
DB: Yes?
RN: Wasn't until then did it become a fully mechanised navy, in the modern sense of the word. And you see those sailing ships with those huge white sails on them?
DB: Huge white sails?
RN: Yes, and billowing mast main top sails.
DB: Yes, I have seen such sails.
RN: Those are your mum's pants.
DB: Do they have wings on them?
Well I don't think anyone can be in any doubt that tonight myself and Professor F.J Lewis have had a most valid and enlightening debate. Professor F.J Lewis, thankyou very much.
RN: Er, thankyou.
DB: And thankyou. Goodnight.


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